Bad Dream, thanks Mom…

So this is the first mothers day holiday to come since the passing
of my mother. I will admit that in the past there has not been a whole
lot of honorary celebrating done when it came to my mother. Our
relationship usually did not allow it but this being the first year
without her really hit me. Even though most of my time was taken by
honoring my wonderful wife and all that she does as a mother it was
still hard hard to clear my head. As odd as it may seem, I wish that I
could at least call to say Happy Mothers Day to her despite whatever
mindset or condition she was in at the given moment. Just to hear her
say thank you once again for calling would be enough.
This
thought followed me into my sleep and gave me quite a dream. I’ll
consider it a nightmare on account of how it made me feel when I woke
up. It was a strange dream, taking place at my high school graduation
party, which never happened in real life. My mother was there causing a
mess, yelling at me the whole time. I kept jumping into a pool to hide
from her. During this dream, everyone at the party was sitting around a
table eating. My mother was across the room yelling at me again. She
became very angry and began to toss plates and pots, I think, at me.
Nobody seemed to see what was happening so I stood up and my mom
continued throwing things at me while yelling at me. I slowly walked up
to her and she said, “Why are you ignoring me?”. My response was
“Because you’re not here, you died.” She didn’t believe me and I then
had to convince her that she had passed away. She then gave me a hug and
began to cry saying how sorry she was. She then walked away from me
looking sad. This image is still burning in my damn head and I can’t
stop thinking about it.
I
then woke up with a knot in my throat. I imagine that the emotions from
the dream woke me up. I did not go back to sleep. It got me wishing
again that I could get just one more quick Happy Mothers Day phone call
with her. As brief as it may have been, it would feel so great to hear
her voice again. This was not meant to take away from the wonderful time
that we had on Mothers Day. I prepared a very nice lunch for my wife
and our grandmother, better known as Nanny. It was a very nice time and
there was plenty of love around our table.
What
could this dream have resembled? I never got to say goodbye to her so
maybe it was her way of reaching out to me in some strange way to let me
know that she was still there somewhere. The way that she passed would
suggest that she was not ready to go and that she may have still been
around wondering why the hell everyone was ignoring her. I would like to
think that the way that the dream ended was some sort of way for her to
get some understanding in the past life that I was sorry that she is no
longer here and that she can rest  peacefully. Trust me when I say that
I know this sounds crazy but when you lose your family like this then
you start seeing life in a whole new light that you can’t explain. I
look at people now that are arguing with family and I just think to
myself all the times that I fought with my mom and how I wish I hadn’t.

Just one phone call…

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